Something Different

I started writing about my current existential crises which is probably a bout of depression.  Most of it was typed out and was morose.  I deleted it all.  I'm going a different direction with this post.  I was about to stop everything and play a video game.  That got me thinking.

Pre-Dad Days

A video game series that I loved is the Fallout series.  I played the heck out of Fallout and Fallout 2.  And I loved those games.  On a tangent before continuing, Arcanum: Steampunk and Magic was by the original Fallout team and the end story changed depending on your actions just like Fallout.

My standard MO was to play a good character.  Help people and get rid of the bad guys.  I don't think that I was pretending, but trying to do as if the situations were happening to me and how I think that I should act.  I think that my character had the reputation of "savior of the wasteland" or something like that.  Fact checking, it looks like "Champion" in Fallout 2.  

After completing the story line, I'd go back and play a demon from hell which meant my game character killed anyone and everyone in the game.  Bounty hunters would be after my character (random encounters.)  It was sort of fun, after being so good.

Dad Days

Fast-forward 10 years, I was married and had a one-year old. AND Fallout 3 came out!  Okay, I was much more excited about my baby, than the game, but was excited for the game.  No fear, baby took priority.  Game play was a rare luxury.

Back to my MO.  I played good characters.  I helped everyone.  I finished the game.  Also, on a tangent, as much as I loved the game, the ending was so terribly that it wiped out all my good feelings.  I was so mad.  Alright, back to the topic.

After completing the game, I went back and intended my character to be a total bastard.  My character shot one innocent NPC...

Oh my god...

The feeling was terrible.  This was just a video game.  It's not real.  Why did I feel so bad?  I just couldn't do it.  I turned off the game and tried to understand what happened.

Baby

My baby did it.  She changed me.  It's amazing to think that she could have such a profound effect on me.  Years later, I did read an article that researches discovered physiological changes in fathers.  Previously, the common belief was that changes only happened to mothers.  Biology is an amazing thing.