The purpose is to write down the details before I forget too much. It's been two weeks, since his passing. I still have a lot to do to help my mom.
Day Before
My dad had been sent to the ICU from the rehab center, one day before he would have been released to go home. My mom saw him there. The doctor told her that he was dying. They said that if they took him off life support, he would pass on then. She wasn't prepared, so she asked to wait until the morning. She secured permission for me to accompany here and to see him at 9:30 AM.
The thought of watching my father die within minutes was hard. I would be there for him. I would hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him.
Last Day
I got a call at 7 AM. It was one of the doctors. He told me that my dad was awake, alert, and responding to questions. He asked that my mom and I come as soon as we can, and that he would probably live for several days. I was happy that he was alert, but it was an emotional punch to be told the day before that he'd die almost immediately after removing life support.
I want to say that we got to the hospital around 8 AM. We signed in and headed up to his room. He was indeed awake and alert. I could see it in his eyes. I went to his right side and my mom was on his left. We both said that we loved him. My mom told him that he could leave this life and that it was selfish of her to ask him to stay.
He held my hand tight and looked at me with his bright blue eyes. The doctor came in and said that they were going to remove the breathing tube and suggested that we step out. My mom left the room. I opted to stay. They removed the tube and he seemed fine. His breathing was good enough.
He had no voice, because his lungs and muscles were too weak to make a strong sound. He could only mouth words. He did say that he loved me.
The doctor came in and said that he wanted to talk to my mom and I in the hallway. My mom goes. I tell my dad and start to stand up. He doesn't let go of my hand. I smile at him and sit back down to be with him. The doctor pops his head back in the door and I just tell him that my dad won't let go and I'm staying with him.
I don't remember everything that I told him. I said that I loved him and that I hoped that he was proud of me. And that I knew that I was a strange person that he had as a son. It's hard to read lips, but I think that he was reassuring me that he was proud and loved me much.
Decision
My mom came back. She said that the doctor had told her that his body was shutting down. There was no chance for recovery. The doctor came in and said that we could take him home or that he could stay at the hospital. My mom didn't know what to do. I said that we should take him home and she agreed.
This was around 9:30 AM. I told my dad that we were taking him home and that I was leaving to get the house ready for him to come home. He nodded and let go of my hand. I said that I loved him and would see him soon.
Setting Up
I got to my parents' home and began getting it ready. There is a room with sliding glass doors looking out into the woods. I thought that facing the bed to those doors would be best. I moved my dad's reclining chair and moved a sofa over to give enough room. My mom's piano was close by and I hoped to get my daughter to play for her granddad.
I called my niece and said that she could come down at any time. I let my wife and daughter know what was going on. And I waited.
A truck arrived bearing the bed and oxygen tanks. The delivery man and I set everything up and he walked me through the usage of the equipment. My niece and her mother (my brother's widow) had arrived, and her mom helped make up the bed. I think that my wife was there, too. My daughter was still taking her virtual classes at our home.
And we waited.
Homecoming
The ambulance arrived close to 5:30 PM. I almost regret not staying longer with my dad, but I did need to get everything ready. The EMTs brought him up into the house and got him settled in the bed. They told us that he was still bleeding from where an intravenous line had been removed from his right inner thigh.
I walked the EMTs out. They remarked on how beautiful our woods were. I pointed out the hobbit holes that my dad had made down the bank from our house. I told them to be safe and I went back inside.
My dad was pretty much gone. Eyes closed. Mouth open. Little to no response to us. I still feel that he was still there on a subconscious level.
Goodbyes
His two granddaughters got to see him. My niece is the oldest and she got right up to her grandpa and told him how much she loved him. My daughter is young, so she was a little afraid. Her mother and I didn't push. Her mom probably understood better than I. I did get her to play a piece on the piano.
I don't have a strong recollection of what happened. I was frazzled and tried to do all that I could. The hospice nurse came to "admit" him to home care. We had to change the dressing on his thigh, so I helped the nurse. My niece's mom helped prepare dinner, before she and her daughter went home.
On Our Own
My niece and her mom went home (an hour plus drive.) My family and my mom ate dinner and then we cleaned up the dishes. And my wife and daughter went home. I asked my mom for his Kindle and found "The Hobbit" on it. I thought that reading some to him was appropriate, since he named our road, Hobbitt Trail. It was one of his favorite books, and I had read it and the trilogy many times. I read most of the first chapter to him, until my voice was dry and cracking some. I asked my mom for a hard cider, and I took a break. She played a CD of his favorite classical music. I should have noted the music, but didn't.
My mom checked his thigh and it was a bloody mess. I cleaned him up and changed the bandage, Even though he didn't react to any physical discomfort, I still tried to be as gentle as I could. This was my dad. I tried cleaning his mouth that was still bloody from intubation. I cleaned gently and he did close his mouth on the sponge. Some of him was still there.
Go to Bed
I was at my dad's side again, holding his hand. My mom told me to go to bed. I told her that I'd stay, until she was ready to lie down. She was going to sleep on the couch beside my dad. I would be in the guest bedroom.
She went off and did whatever she needed to. I have no idea. I was just there holding my father's hand and talking to him. I told him how proud that I was of my brother for how good a father he was to his stepson. I told my dad that was because of him. I told my father how he did have a good effect on people. One neighbor said he was the toughest on the road (hard work, not fighter.) Another neighbor remarked that the street wouldn't be the same without him. One of his friends confided in me that he couldn't read a book that my dad had given him, because every time he picked it up, he thought of my dad and started crying. My dad wasn't famous. He didn't do great works, but he was a good person. His circle of influence might be small, but he left his mark on those people.
Last Breath
My mom came over and she was finally ready for bed. She told me to go. I was still holding his hand and she was standing at the top of his bed, stroking his hair. He took a gulping breath and stop. She asked if he was gone. I said no and that he had been doing this. He took a longer, gulping breath and was gone.
We were both in shock. "Is he gone?" I felt for breath. I felt for heart beat. I got their blood pressure cuff to check, then had to check on myself to make certain that it worked. 10:40 PM.
I called the hospice number and reported that he had gone. The same nurse that checked him in came by. They did the paperwork. His official time of death was listed as 11:10 PM from renal failure.
The Last Goodbye
The men from the funeral home came to get him. They wrapped my father in his sheets and transferred him to the stretcher. I caressed his shrouded head one last time before they put a velvet cover over him. I walked them outside and said thank you and to be safe.
Memorial Garden
My paternal grandfather, Papa*, had a garden when he first moved to the house that my dad built for him and my grandmother. He grew flowers and vegetables. After he passed on, my father took over. There's a granite slab inscribed with "Paw Paw's Garden*." We have plaques for my grandmothers and my brother.
There's a Japanese maple that I love there. My dad built a stone circle around it. I will place a memorial marker for him there. This is my garden now. I've never been a gardener, but now I will have to learn. It will change some under my care, just like it changed when my dad took over from his. I will seek to honor everyone that the garden has been dedicated to.
I love and miss you all.
* I always thought of the spelling "Papa" whereas my dad spelled it "Paw Paw."
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