Pandemic, Masks, and Friendliness

 We've been in the pandemic of COVID-19 for a while now.  Looks like it will still be months.  At the start, the U.S. government did not recommend masks and most people resisted, because it "impinged" on their personal freedoms.  The president at the beginning of the epidemic even stated that it was "undemocratic" to wear masks.  Huh?  Now, the government has finally see the light.  But, people still resist.  I liked what I friend told me about secondary reasons of why he wore a mask (paraphrased): "I don't want to be responsible for killing someone's grandparent."  For our health and the health of others, we should wear masks when among strangers.

My family wears masks when outside of our personal property (home, yard, cars and grandma's place.)  There are places where I think that it's okay not to wear a mask, but my young teen is terrified of infection.  Well, perhaps not terrified, but terribly concerned.  She freaks when I don't have a mask one and a stranger is within visual distance.  So, I begrudgingly wear one for her.

Friendliness

From reading stories from various sources, many people take offense at someone wearing a mask around them.  I disagree, since neither party knows what exposure the other has had.  But, in my opinion, there are things that we can do to help alleviate tensions.  For the purposes of this post, there is one primary thing to do and that is to be friendly.

I am an introvert.  I rarely engage strangers in conversation.  I have had social anxiety on many occasions.  I consider myself somewhat socially inept.  I an nervous and shy around strangers.  Painting a wonderful picture of myself, eh?

I make an effort to say 'hello' and 'how are you' to strangers while wearing a mask.  Usually, this is when we're out at a park.  Inside stores, I usually do not, but in the parking lot, I do.  I feel that it is important to reach out to strangers when wearing the mask.  The mask is a barrier between people.  It can cause anxiety in others.  I can smile but no one can see that, so I must speak.

In general, most people respond. Makes me feel good when I get a genuine smile.  As a side effect, I hope that my daughter picks up on this habit.  She is like me in many ways.  And I certainly want her to be better than me.  What normal parent doesn't want that for their child?

Strange Times

Yesterday was not a good day.  Another uncomfortable fight with the spouse.

I went to bed and formulated a plan to better myself.  I smiled as I lay there and was... happy.

I woke up this morning and did start putting some of the plan in action.  And I just plunged into darkness.  Depression and hopelessness sprung upon me.  I was running scenarios through my head of how to kill myself.

I posted a message on an online community to ask for help.  Not the same as therapy, but talking about it does help.  And I hope that someone can respond to help give me reasons to help me see that ending my life is not a good answer.

I still will try to implement my plan.  I will still put one foot in front of the other.  I still feel the weight of this life and I hate it.

Improving

 Feeling less suicidal.

I've been plagued by suicidal thoughts for a very long time.  Perhaps a negative thought pattern that has become a habit.  These thoughts have been with me since I was, at least, 16.  I have clear memories of driving along the interstate and just thinking to drive myself into a bridge column.

I do need to get rid of that thought pattern.  It's not healthy.  In some ways, I'm not too worried about succumbing to the thoughts.  There are two things that stop me: fear and love.

Fear is the first.  I've held a razor to my wrist.  I was scared.  I put the barrel of a gun in my mouth.  I trembled with fear.  I had always hoped that it was a love of life that kept me from killing myself, and it was a cold revelation to know that it was fear.

Love is the second, more recent and more positive reason.  I have a child.  I love my child so much. To kill myself would be to abandon them.  I can't do that.  I can't hurt them that way.  I could write letters telling them that I love them with all my heart, but my suicide would still hurt them and possibly scare them.  I can't do that.

But I still need to break the habit of these thoughts.  It may be a bigger issue.  I have all kinds of thoughts running through my head.  Bad thoughts.  I have never acted on any of them, and really intend never to.  Why do I think such thoughts?  I'll have to dig into that.

Last thought to get down: a waking dream of slicing my wrist.

I had a day dream a long time ago (pre-marriage, pre-child) that I took a razor and sliced my vein from my wrist up towards my elbow.  The vein split open and there was emptiness.  Blackness.  Nothing.  The idea that it was just an empty void weighs on me.  Why the emptiness?  Is it how I feel about what is inside me?

Catharses or B.S.

 Probably do a little bit of wallowing in my own pity...  Play the small violin for me.

Still fighting depression and hopelessness.  Still praying every night asking the God (or whatever) helps the people around me.  I try to leave myself out, except to ask help in seeing my faults, so that I can have a chance to correct them.  I've felt a small amount of joy in my heart on two recent occasions.  My in-laws are beginning to walk every day (I'm a big believer in the health benefits of walking) and a former colleague from years ago posted a photo of her husband home from the hospital.  Both things I have prayed for and will continue doing so with a modification of improving their health.

I believe/want to believe in the divine, whatever that may be.  At the same time, I feel overwhelmed by nihilistic thoughts.

I have conflicts.  I want to have friends that want and enjoy my friendship, but at the same time, I just want to cease to exist and be forgotten. I read an article about the company, Recompose.  They compost the dead and return them to the soil.  The process completely breaks down teeth and bones, too.  Nothing left but soil.  There's a beauty to that, but also a little frightening.  I want that for myself.  Nothing left.

I am nobody.  I am but a grain of sand in the beach that is humanity.  I've left no mark.  I doubt that anyone would mourn for me.  I do hope that my daughter would.  If I disappeared, I wouldn't even leave a hole in anyone's life.  This is the pointlessness that I have been feeling and it feels smothering.

I feel angry, too.  When I was younger, my brother told all my neighbors that I was a devil worshipper.  I had placed a candle on top of an animal skull.  Wow.  Really dark there.  Years later, I took a new acquaintance to a club in Atlanta for some live music.  She told me that she might look weird on the outside, but that I was weird on the inside.  I don't understand people and have been called odd and strange all my life.  It does hurt.

It's hard to connect to people.  I'm in a marriage, but she barely tolerates me.  I blame both of us for our issues, and I am trying to change myself.  It can be hard, especially when I feel so disrespected.  It's a vicious cycle.  We get mad at each other and it goes around in circles.

Enough for now.  The pity pool has been drained some,

Yes Sir/No Sir Lesson

I loved my grandfather very much.  He did have his faults and I won't make excuses other than set context.  He grew up in a rural town in Virginia.  He had to quit grade school when his father died, so that he could support his mother and two siblings.  He was an uneducated, blue collar worked drifting from job to job, just trying to make a living.  He did factory work, carpentry, odd jobs, gas station attendant, etc.  And, sad to say, was racist.

The Lesson

My dad never taught my brother and I to say "yes, sir.", "no, sir", "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am."  He wanted us to mean it when we said it.  For myself, I started using it when I worked in retail.  There were people that I wouldn't say it to, because, well, they weren't nice.  Today, I will use that when talking with someone.  I believe in giving respect until the other person proves that they don't deserve it.

The lesson was given to my father by his father, and the effect was opposite of the original intention.  I do not recall all of the details and both men are gone from this life, so I cannot fact check.  I rely on my own faulty memory.  Read into the meaning, not the details, please.

My dad was a young boy, I think in middle school when this lesson took place.  A black gentleman came to their house (I do not recall why.)  My grandfather introduced the man to my dad, and my dad responded with "pleased to meet you, sir."  His dad corrected him:  "Oh, you don't have to 'sir' no n****r."

Learned

Right then, my dad decided that if he didn't have to 'sir' this gentleman, then he didn't have to 'sir' anyone.

That's why my dad didn't teach us to do that. I believe that my dad recognized the unfairness at that young age.  I am happy to think about that.  He realized that his father was wrong, though he wouldn't correct him for fear of harsh punishment.

I wish that I could reach out to that gentleman and apologize for the words of my grandfather.

Prayer and Chaos Magic

 I'm Nobody

First, let me say that I am a nobody in an ocean of billions of people.  I am not an expert on what this post is about.  I am writing from my perspective for myself, sharing my thoughts with whoever might read this in hopes that it is food for thought.  I am not trying to stir up controversy nor tell people what to do.  Please try to understand the ideas that I am trying to convey.

Prayer

Years ago, I read the book, The Healing Power of Prayer by Chester Tolson and Harold Koenig.  The ideas posited by the book were that prayer had a positive effect, especially healing when used in that way.  They did not push a religious agenda.  To them, the religion was less important than the prayer itself. It's a beautiful idea and one that I believe in.

I believe that prayer is important and I have begun to think about how I should be praying.  It's still a gray area for me.  I do not have a clear path, but I have begun formulating one. And I admit that I have only recently (May 2020) committed myself to praying consistently.

Chaos Magic

"Magic when talking about prayer?  What the heck?"

Please bear with me and I hope to make the connection clear.  I was listening to a podcast that covers a variety of topics.  The hosts did a couple of episodes on Chaos Magic.  Two of the hosts did delve into the practice and they had a few opinions.  I may not remember everything correctly, but I believe that I have the general concept down and I may have extrapolated.  The next paragraph is my take away and it is combined with many other thoughts and ideas from a variety of sources.

Most people are probably familiar with the concept of white and black magic.  White magic helps other people.  Help as in helping those in need.  Black magic is selfish and is usually used for personal gain and acquisition of power.  White magic doesn't exact a price from the caster.  Black magic always comes at a cost.  The idea has been with us since the beginning.  "What you sow, so shall you reap."  "What goes round, comes around."  The concept of karma, etc.  Basically, white magic equals selfless, black magic equals selfish.

How Should We Pray?

I really don't know, but here's what I am trying to do.  Keeping in mind white and black magic, I am trying to pray primarily for others in need. I believe that by doing so, I will have a positive effect on others and by focusing on others, I will improve myself. I hope that the practice will help me develop more empathy for my fellow humans in addition to helping them spiritually.

Was I Wrong?

Over a decade ago, I prayed hard for my brother to live.  I begged others to pray.  He died.  More recently, I prayed hard for my dad to recover from a surgery gone wrong.  He never did.  He lingered for five months before passing from this world.

Both times, I prayed because I didn't want to lose them.  I was thinking about myself.  I didn't want to lose my big brother.  I didn't want to lose my dad.  For my brother, it has been so long that I don't remember all the details.  I just remember the building dread as the brain tumor came back and his condition worsened until finally his brain just shut down from the pressure.  For my dad, I prayed every day (except one) that he would recover.  I wasn't ready to lose my dad.  I thought that he should have, at least, a decade more of life.  I didn't pray for what was best for him.  I prayed for what I wanted.

Trying

It's hard.  There are people close to me that I do pray for.  I am trying to phrase my thoughts and prayers to address their needs, not the outcome that I want or desire. I am trying to remove myself from the equation.  I am trying hard to pray for the good of the individual.  Mostly, I pray for those that have some kind of connection to me: co-worker, friend, relative, my child's teacher, etc.  I wrestle with that.  How should I pray for those that I do not have a connection, however tenuous?  Should I have a "blanket" prayer for groups in need?  A general prayer for anyone suffering?

And I do pray for myself, though not every day.  I do ask that I recognize what I am doing wrong and give me the insight on how to self-correct. And I make apologies for my failings whether it is forgetting someone on my mental prayer list or for getting frustrated over a silly domestic situation.

Follow Your Curiosity

 A dear friend sent me a link to a Ted Talk.  He had good timing, since I was/am in a depressed mental state.

https://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_it_s_ok_to_feel_overwhelmed_here_s_what_to_do_next?language=en#t-1573508

Please give the video a watch.  The first story that she told was inspiring.  The other topics that she mentioned that hit home were "passion" and "purpose."  Every few years, I go through a period where I am just unhappy with myself (more than usual.)  I feel that I don't have a purpose and haven't found my passion or what I'm really good at.  I feel useless. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. And I'm in that state right now.  A little bit worse this this time due to extenuating circumstances which I will not address - not to the point of this post.

Elizabeth Gilbert wanted to replace "passion" and "purpose" with, in her words, a gentler word: curiosity.

Too Crowded

In my opinion, there are just too many people in this world for us all to have a "purpose."  Imagine a Norman Rockwell town.  There's a mechanic who takes care of everyone's cars.  The Milkman delivers fresh milk to everyone.  Hmm, probably too romantic.  Going back further, the blacksmith, the farmer, the tanner, the weaver, the cooper, etc.  There were times when all professions were important to the community.  A loss of one person would be felt throughout the town or village.

If I were to go missing today, I would only have an effect on my immediate family.  Otherwise, the community wouldn't even know that I was gone. My job is non-essential in regards to the good of humanity.  I don't see that changing in my life.  Just a fact.

Curiosity

That greatly appeals to me and fits with what I have done throughout my life with success.  I have had minor successes in my life from curiosity.  I have learned new things that helped me in my various jobs by just exploring because I was curious.  I've learned skills simply because I wanted to know how to do something.

I shouldn't worry about finding "my passion" any more.  And I should forget about a larger "purpose."  I do have a minor purpose.  I use "minor" in that it doesn't go beyond my family.  My greatest purpose right now is to ensure that my daughter is provided for, taking care of her physical and mental needs.

For my free time, I should explore my curiosity, and let it lead me wherever it goes.

• Archery - make a range, and practice more.
• Net Weaving - learn how to weave a net.  I made a needle and need to figure out how to knot it properly.
• Basket Weaving? - can stiltgrass be used for this?
• Constellations - relearn some basic constellations.  I am outside in the dark in the morning and night, and have enjoyed looking up at the night sky.  I would like to learn some basic navigation techniques based on stars, too.