Catharses or B.S.

 Probably do a little bit of wallowing in my own pity...  Play the small violin for me.

Still fighting depression and hopelessness.  Still praying every night asking the God (or whatever) helps the people around me.  I try to leave myself out, except to ask help in seeing my faults, so that I can have a chance to correct them.  I've felt a small amount of joy in my heart on two recent occasions.  My in-laws are beginning to walk every day (I'm a big believer in the health benefits of walking) and a former colleague from years ago posted a photo of her husband home from the hospital.  Both things I have prayed for and will continue doing so with a modification of improving their health.

I believe/want to believe in the divine, whatever that may be.  At the same time, I feel overwhelmed by nihilistic thoughts.

I have conflicts.  I want to have friends that want and enjoy my friendship, but at the same time, I just want to cease to exist and be forgotten. I read an article about the company, Recompose.  They compost the dead and return them to the soil.  The process completely breaks down teeth and bones, too.  Nothing left but soil.  There's a beauty to that, but also a little frightening.  I want that for myself.  Nothing left.

I am nobody.  I am but a grain of sand in the beach that is humanity.  I've left no mark.  I doubt that anyone would mourn for me.  I do hope that my daughter would.  If I disappeared, I wouldn't even leave a hole in anyone's life.  This is the pointlessness that I have been feeling and it feels smothering.

I feel angry, too.  When I was younger, my brother told all my neighbors that I was a devil worshipper.  I had placed a candle on top of an animal skull.  Wow.  Really dark there.  Years later, I took a new acquaintance to a club in Atlanta for some live music.  She told me that she might look weird on the outside, but that I was weird on the inside.  I don't understand people and have been called odd and strange all my life.  It does hurt.

It's hard to connect to people.  I'm in a marriage, but she barely tolerates me.  I blame both of us for our issues, and I am trying to change myself.  It can be hard, especially when I feel so disrespected.  It's a vicious cycle.  We get mad at each other and it goes around in circles.

Enough for now.  The pity pool has been drained some,